HUMMERS - I KEEP GETTING OLDER, AND IT JUST STAYS THE SAME AGE
“Meet you at Hummers!” There is no additional information needed. “Where is that?” “Which one?” “What do they have there?” Hummers needs no explanation, definition, directions or apologies. Nothing has stood the test of time like good old Hummers. From the hilarious quotes on the menu that are the same today as they were in 1983, to the buckets of beer, to the Snack Basket, Hummers is like that old sweatshirt you won’t let your wife throw out. It’s comfy, fits just right, and it has a few stains here and there. You are never surprised by Hummers. In a world of Luke Bryans and bedazzled jeans, Hummers is Waylon Jennings and a 12 pack.
The décor has changed with the times. Long gone is the wallpaper made up of sharpied $1 bills. The wall of beers on your way to the bathroom has been replaced. The shuffleboard made way for more seating. I believe the 51 Beer Club and the Hall of Foam left for a while, but returned in recent history. Those massive TVs have been replaced with modern flat screens. I remember the first time I saw the huge projection TV at Hummers. It was fuzzy, grainy, temperamental, and glorious. It has been upgraded many times over the years to its current HD projector incarnation. I would be floored to know the amount of money spent on TVs, satellites, and technology in the last 35 years. The owner probably would be too.
But the baseball bat door handles and the Coke box to greet you inside the front door is still there. The hand-rolled neon napkin silverware hasn’t left. The solid wood, unnatural red and green, tables and chairs still inhabit the dining space. Those huge, round, Hummers emblazoned, yellowed, beat-up tables in the corners are still hosting Amarillo conspiracy plots. All of the old pictures, coolers, neon signs, logoed ceiling fan and street globes let you know the world changed, but somehow stayed the same. The phone on the way to the bathrooms is still the old Executone that has always been there. I wonder how many calls I made there before the prevalence of cell phones.
Hummers was “The” place to go for any major sports happening. Some poor schlub would be tasked with getting there early to stake out enough seats before the Big Game. I remember watching Nolan Ryan’s 300th win and 5000th strikeout at Hummers. The World Series and Stanley Cup were always observed there. We even watched OJ’s final rushing attempt in the white Bronco at Hummers.
I will cautiously broach the subject of the Hummers waitresses. I cannot reminisce about Hummers and not mention the waitresses. 17-22 year old me fondly remembers the encounters with the 20-something, attractive, attentive women. And that’s all I have to say about that.
For a long time, I didn’t know what a sports bar was. Hummers was the only Joint like it I ever went to growing up. The first time I was out of town and saw a sports bar, my first thought was “Hey, these jackasses ripped off Hummers.” Ah, the naivety of youth. Speaking of youth, Hummers has been the setting for a long series of firsts for me. It was the first time I encountered a bucket of beer. The first time I saw Shiner. The first raw oyster of many and my first (legal) drink. My 21st birthday evening started at Hummers with a burger and a bucket before moving on to a Statue of Liberty shot. How this was an acceptably safe method of alcohol delivery, I will never know. The idea of dipping your fingers in flammable liquid and applying a Bic lighter while striking a pose gives the Risk Manager in me the Heebie-Jeebies.
THE JOINT EXPERIENCE
Friday Happy Hour at Hummers is one of the longest relished rituals in Amarillo. Meeting your buddies there after a long week with no agenda and no set time gives a sense of stability to our chaotic world. A chance to get together over a bucket and tell lies is a rite of passage as you move from early adulthood to middle-age. The stories just move from jobs and dating to wives and parenthood. From working on your truck, to working on your house. From how bad the Cowboys are to how bad the Cowboys are. The only difference is instead of a call Friday to set plans, it is just a text “Hummers?”
As you peruse the Hummers menu, you see that there is something for everyone. I wasn’t able to spot any rookies (see what I did there) since the first time I visited. You can do steaks, burgers, salads, chicken, some oysters, Mexican food, and sandwiches. My go-tos have always been the burgers and the steak bites. The appetizers are tasty and provide a good base for some beverages. The beer list has always been extensive long before it was cool. I can remember seeing German and Austrian beers at Hummers decades before the Craft Beer Craze.
After buckets were delivered, burgers were ordered. One odd thing about the Hummer Burger. It is on a whole wheat bun. No option for anything else, just a wheat bun. It's as if to say "You are about to eat some greasy meat with a topping of cheese with a side of fried onions and some buffalo wings. This wheat bun will make it healthy though." This is weird to some folks, but it is what it is. My usual order of Wahoo Sam's Green Chili Burger with half fries, half onion rings was made along with a Snack Basket. The Snack Basket is a mish-mash of beigeness, with varying meats and vegetables fried for your dipping enjoyment. Everything ordered tasted exactly as it always has, solid. There are better meals in Amarillo, but they don't taste like memories.
I was tempted to order a Statue Of Liberty, but was afraid they would deliver it and I would have to suffer through it. Someone do it and let me know if you survive.
2600 Paramount Blvd
Suite B-2
Amarillo, TX 79109
